Rita Skeeter

Oh my goodness, I could not imagine a more exciting morning! The Ministry is just all abuzz and I have been running around all morning. But to have a new Minister! Oh, I simply could not be more pleased. And while it would hardly have been proper for me to mention as much in my article, I simply must say how refreshing it is to see a fellow strong and confident, yet proper career woman elected to power. Who says you cannot have it all?

[Private to Minister Lestrange]
Madame, once again I wish to offer my personal congratulations on your new position. I do hope you found my article to be to your liking and please know that I would love the opportunity to work with you in the future. My quill is entirely at your disposal.

Well, I for one am quite pleased that our noble Ministry is taking steps to quiet the terrorists who plague our society. Of course it is terribly unfortunate that prisoners are being made to pay for the crimes of their free counterparts, but perhaps if people would think before picking up their quills and writing such senseless diatribes, we would not have to deal with any of this unpleasantness. And things have been so nice and peaceful lately! Perhaps we could keep it this way, hmmm? I would rather not spend my days wondering just when someone may decide to attack the Prophet offices next!

[Private to Danielle Edgecombe]
Madam Edgecombe, of course I realise you must be impossibly busy, but I had the good fortune of being able to coax your absolutely charming fiancé into giving me a brief interview about your upcoming nuptials and I would be terribly remiss if I did not at least ask if you might spare just a few minutes from your schedule to answer just a few small questions on the details of the wedding itself. He has given me a remarkable start to my story, but you know my readers would just die to know what you intend on wearing and what you have planned for the decor.

Hestia darling, I simply must thank you for the interview. The Prophet has been receiving owls all morning in response to my article. I do not think we have published an article this popular since my exposé on the poor sanitation standards at the Leaky Cauldron. Naturally I would be more than willing to conduct a follow-up interview whenever you wish, dear!

Of course I was terribly concerned that you might not be able to read the article yourself what with that whole nasty being on the run, causing terror, business, so just this once I decided I will break my own rule about republishing my work in the journals. I do hope you are pleased with it! Personally I am quite proud, it may very well be some of my best work! If I do say so myself.

[This article is clipped out of the Prophet and spello-taped into the journal]

[Private to Danielle Edgecombe]
Madam Edgecombe, after our previous misunderstanding, I felt I would be terribly remiss if I did not promptly inform you that I have been contacted by Hestia Jones through these delightfully useful little journals. She has requested an interview with me - through the journals only, thankfully I'm afraid. She claims that she has killed her mother, left the Order of the Phoenix and seems to be forming her own splinter group of sorts.

I just wanted to make certain you were aware, although of course I'm certain none of this is news to you. Still, I will be sure to let you know what else I learn!

Apparently my dear editor cannot manage to find a suitable gossip columnist to replace Mr Goldstein. At least not one who won't quit after two weeks. It is a good thing that I just so happen to enjoy this work so much or he would be quite out of luck! But my goodness I am absolutely drowning in pictures, quotes, anonymous tips and all of this absolutely fascinating gossip! I am not even certain what to do with it all. Perhaps a single cover story - The Loves of Society. Or individual, shorter profile pieces? I simply do not know! You really all are the most intriguing subjects, I'll have you know! That gala alone gave me enough writing material for months! I would give you all a sneak preview but this is too good to share for free. I am afraid you will simply have to wait for the Prophet like the rest of society!

[Private to Lorcan d'Eath]
Lorcan darling, I've been hearing the most delightful gossip about you and the little blonde thing you showed up at the gala with. I did not realise you were the type to see a woman more than once. I do not suppose I could trouble you for a quotation, dear?

[Private to Draco Malfoy]
Such a lovely new house you've found for yourself, my dear boy. Now what are the chances you might be willing to give your favourite reporter a tour and a brief interview?

Oh goodness, my dears! I most certainly did not expect to see such exciting news when I flipped open my journal this morning! A wedding! What could possibly be more thrilling than that! Yes, I know, I know, we are not supposed to be celebrating the lives of blood traitors and terrorists, but really the wedding of the boy-who-lived public enemy number one is certainly something that must be commented upon! I simply cannot believe that I am the first one to comment upon this remarkable brilliant intriguing story! Certainly the gossip of the year! I mean honestly, who expects to hear news of an engagement in the middle of a war! So completely unexpected! Of course we should have come to expect as much from those crazy Gryffindors by now! Ahhh, the joys and folly of youth, how I remember it so fondly.

Oh Harry darling, you have my congratulations! You too, Miss Weasley. Of course this will be on the front page of the Prophet tomorrow morning! Tell me, have you set a date? Naturally I presume it will be a small ceremony what with that whole being-in-hiding business. Pity really, otherwise it might be quite the spectacular event. Oh, I do hope the two of you would consent to give me a quote for tomorrow's Prophet! Just a teensy little quote about how happy you are to be spending your lives together?

I for one think a gala is just the thing we need to brighten all of our spirits! And the Pureblood Wives for Protection of Society is such an outstanding organization to raise money for two of our most esteemed institutions! I certainly hope I will see most of you there! I may even hang up my quill for the night to properly enjoy the party! But fear not! The Daily Prophet will have ample staff on hand to document all of the latest fashions and trends in pureblood society!

And thank goodness for that as it has been painfully quiet this week. I do not suppose anyone has any delightful little tidbits of gossip that they would care to share?

Oh my goodness I have absolutely no idea how you healers manage to spend all of your time around so much blood and...well nastiness! They were not kidding when they said people were vomiting blood! Everywhere! A bit of it splashed on my robes when I was touring the hospital and oh dear, the thought is enough to make me sick again. Of course I just had to burn those robes as soon as I got home! I do not even have the slightest idea how to get blood out of my robes, let alone vomit blood. Oh god...I will be right back.

Terribly sorry about that. Anyway, as I was saying, between my own harrowing brush with death and yesterday's visit to St Mungo's for my latest brilliant article (which I do hope you have all read, considering the great pain writing it involved!) if I never hear the word poison again, I will be a happy woman!

[Private to Anthony Goldstein]
My dear boy, I assure you, I am perfectly happy with who I am right now. I am the one who is still enjoying the comfort of my London flat, after all. Someone ought to smack you again for what you did! Stealing my contact list after poisoning me! The nerve!

But thank you for the broach, it is quite lovely, dear. Do be a darling and try to stay alive so you can repay me. Now if you will excuse me, I do believe I am running late for my appointment with a crazy sadist.

Oh dear me. When did it become Sunday? I was sitting in my office Thursday afternoon enjoying a nice, soothing cup of tea and working on my next brilliant article and the next thing I know I'm waking up at St. Mungo's! And goodness, I heard the mediwitch mention something about poison! Now who on earth would ever dream of poisoning little old young me! ... Don't answer that.

Mr Goldstein, what on earth have you done, you foolish, foolish boy?

[Private to Prophet Staff]
Is everyone all right? Oh my dears, I do hope you all escaped yesterday's events unscathed! Dreadful business, all that. But of course the news does not stop for anything! We must do our duty to our loyal readers and provide them with the story of yesterday's tragic events! The evening edition is going to print in just a few short hours and I need firsthand accounts, darlings! In accordance with the Prophet's exacting standards, of course! As hard as I tried, I am afraid I couldn't be everywhere at once after all!

[Private to Draco Malfoy]
Mr Malfoy, as an esteemed representative of the Wizengamot, I was dearly hoping that you might be able to provide me with a quote for tomorrow's edition of the Prophet regarding this week's executions.

[Private to Anthony Goldstein]
Dear me, boy, you were positively twitchy this morning. Don't think I didn't notice! Eyes like a hawk, I have. I hope whatever dreadful creature crawled in your pants has removed itself by now!

Oh my goodness, I have never in all of my life seen something so... I don't even know. Of course I'll go to Telford, I said. Of course I'll write the story. How bad could it be, after all? Surely the Ministry was just being dramatic, playing up the story for effect like any good PR agent would. But no, no they most certainly were not. I go out there (and goodness, could you have picked a more remote place to terrorize?) expecting to just talk to the local police about the dead family he found, and what a terrible tragedy it all was, the usual. Instead I find myself staring at an entire park full of corpses! There were piles of them! PILES!

This is not what I signed up for! I do not like dead bodies! At all! My Lord, I knew you people were terrorists, but this is just disgusting! You people are sick, and twisted and in all of my years of journalism I have never seen anything so...so...depraved. I hope the Ministry finds every last one of you and the Dementors suck out your souls! If you even have them!

I think I'm going to be sick. Again.

Oh my goodness, it is so nice to be home! You have no idea just how lovely it is to be in your own bed again! And of course I have learned my lesson and will be taking far more care with my quill in the future. Like today's piece, which I do hope you all saw! Oh, I am very proud of this one as I worked all day on it and I do think it is quite the masterpiece! Perhaps I will use it as the starting point for my next book! Oh now that is an excellent idea, if I do say so myself! The entire world needs to be educated about the dangers of the Weasley family, after all. Never turst a blood traitor, I say! You'll never know who they'll decide to turn on next!

Goodness, it seems as if I have missed out on having my name under what very well may be the headline of the year! Such a travesty, of course, all those poor, innocent lives lost in this senseless war. One of the guards was so kind as to slip me a copy and my dears, you have no idea how much it warmed my heart to see that my work was what laid the ground for this stunning revelation! I am, of course, just doing my part to protect our great society!

Of course, then my heart was promptly chilled by the descriptions of the horrible terrorist acts of the Order of the Phoenix, but you see? I told you all that Albus Dumbledore was up to no good! I said his motives were less than pure! And now we have his terrorists running around England killing hundreds of poor, helpless Muggles in his name! It is absolutely disgusting! A travesty, I say!

Oh darlings, when I get out of this place, I simply must start working on the sequel to my great work! This news must be immortalized in print and bound on the shelves of every wizarding home in England! For the good of us all!

Oh dear. Miss Carrow? Mrs Lestrange? I really do promise you have made your point! If you could just go ahead and let me free, I won't be any more trouble!

Please?

This was definitely not on the press tour.

Oh my dears, I am usually not one to talk about the difficulties of my work as I have been truly blessed in my life (and I certainly do not wish to give away any trade secrets!) But there are times that the work of a journalist is just so very emotionally trying. You simply cannot understand unless you have experienced the wonderful life of a writer, but darlings, I hold lives in my hand when I pick up my quill! Do you have any idea what that feels like? No, I suppose not, but it is a daily struggle between my duty to print the news that concerns my loyal readers and my deep concern for those who find themselves the subjects of my work. Why, if something were ever to happen to one of the dear people who I write about because of one of my little articles, I do not know if I could live with myself! But I am paid to report the news, so I do what I must, as I'm sure you can all understand.

Goodness me, I do hope you dears all saw today's Prophet. Another one of my brilliant (if I do say so myself) articles on the front page. Now I know some of you may not have access to the Prophet due to your trying circumstances, but I would never dream of denying my loyal fans at least some glimpse of my work!

Azkaban: The Palace of Prisons
A Rita Skeeter Exclusive

Faithful readers, it is with great honour and pride that I bring you the first ever glimpse inside the great prison of Azkaban. This intrepid reporter was granted a rare visit to the facility to view first hand the living conditions of the unfortunate Muggleborns of our society and it is with great pleasure that I am able to report that this is not the same Azkaban that so many of us grew up to fear.

Gone are the days of cold and drafty cells with nothing but the floor to sleep on! The entire prison has undergone a face lift with new, homier rooms for its inhabitants to live in, complete with the softest mattresses you could imagine. Even the Dementors are positively cheery in their new surroundings and the few guests that I had the privilege of speaking with were decidedly upbeat and understanding in their appraisal of the situation.

Well that is just about enough, I think. If you want to read the rest, I'm afraid you'll simply have to buy a copy for yourself, my darlings. Just seven knuts at a newsstand near you! I can't very well go around giving away the headline news for free, now can I?

( my own little world is what i deserve cause i am the only child there is, i'm king of it all, the belle of the ball )